Yup, I Still Got It

Almost a month in, and I have had one bad spell. 

Around day 15, the better part of a week was swallowed by the darkness. The all-too familiar hopelessness enshrouded my thoughts and perspective. Its maddening because there’s a small part of me during it which knows, “when this is over, you will gawk at how irrational you are being right now!” but that hardly makes a dent in how I feel. So thorough is the warping of reality that even the true memory of anything different becomes lost. I can refer to my 2021 calendar upon which I’ve been logging bad days, and it is made up of at least 80% “sunny” days. But they are somehow no longer to be believed. 

As I sit here writing in my “right” mind, that version of me - the one I become in the darkness - almost seems an entirely different person - an enemy, in a way, who is out to destroy me. I suppose this is one of the most insidious things about depression - that you actually become your own worst enemy. No one else is needed to oppose you; you oppose yourself. 

Wow, it’s really horrible when you write it out like that. 

Anyhow, so far my frequency and severity of depression hasn’t really changed. So of course I’m wondering if I just haven’t been on meds long enough (they said 30 days to take full effect) or if they truly aren’t going to change anything for me. 

Going to keep going and hope for better. 

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