That Time I Started Antidepressants

 9 months later, there've been some developments. No digestive issues (as the title might suggest). Different kind of poop... First, the good news! I've had months and months without a real descent into the abyss. Dark days, sure, but as I've described to people, it's as if there's been a safety net inside of me. I can FEEL when conditions are ripe for me to go down the tubes - a day where someone says the wrong thing, or circumstances are such that I would normally tank. I fall from the high-wire, but before I splat - something catches me. It just won't let me go all the way down. And that's a strange thing?! Like something outside your control has latched onto you and is holding you suspended above the chasm. Thanks Spiderman!!! It hadn't been without a cost. I do seem to have lost access to my tears for the most part. I'll squeeze one out here or there, but as a sensitive person, I'm used to shedding tears maybe a couple times a week in ways t...

I had said I would give the brain pills 3 months. Finished my 3rd bottle today.  One of my main concerns for anti-depressants is that they would "level me out." That I would lose not only my lows, but also my highs. Who wants to lose their highs? (Now my wife might laugh at this - saying, "what highs"?) We joke that an 8 out of 10 is about as good as I ever am. So historically Mandy just counts my 8 AS a 10. I guess I get graded on my own emotional curve?! She is a teacher.  But truly, I haven't seen any change in my "highs" in these 3 months. I'm about as happy as ever - which is good news! (I think I feared the pills might artificially keep me in some state of "unreality" - some babbling, smiling automaton infected by The Joker's numbing gas.) And regarding my lows after these 3 months, I must say - it's working. Not to say I'm never down. I've had plenty of my normal triggers and opportunities to slide downward. In fact...

There've been wobbly days, but it's been 6 weeks since I really tanked. That's by far the longest I've gone since I started keeping track (January 1). The only change I can think of is these brain pills.  I have a lot of feelings about that! Guarded Excitement - have I finally found something that will lessen depression's frequency on my life?  Sadness - if it's really going to work, how many years have I suffered unnecessarily?  Disappointment - weird to say it, but as a therapist (and an idealist at heart) who is invested in a different kind of helping, although I have at times encouraged clients to pursue meds, a small part of me hoped depression couldn't simply be cured by swallowing chemicals. (Still, I'm not shaken in my conviction that there are often other factors) This probably shouldn't surprise me as much as it does. My worldview, which is informed by scripture, includes the notion that a perfect creation was marred by the fall. If we'...

Day 55 It's a small victory, but as a forgetful person, I'm slightly proud of the fact that I haven't missed a single day. Once or twice I had to make an extra trip back to the house to take it. I'm not messing around!  First to the bad news - I can't really say I've noticed any kind of difference contrasted with my pre-pill frequency or severity of depression. Since I started, I've had one real bad spell of 4 days and couple lighter ones. Pretty normal-ish. Still going to see this through for 3 months and gather further data before making a decision. Datum? Data.  Good news - I have friends who are there for the long-haul. A couple days ago, I had a half-hour phone call about it with a friend who has been part of the conversation with me about this for at least 8 years.  8 years.  That's a long time to hang in there with someone, and when it comes to the serial, nagging issues of our lives, I would guess we all wonder if people will tire of us. GET IT T...

Almost a month in, and I have had one bad spell.  Around day 15, the better part of a week was swallowed by the darkness. The all-too familiar hopelessness enshrouded my thoughts and perspective. Its maddening because there’s a small part of me during it which knows, “when this is over, you will gawk at how irrational you are being right now!” but that hardly makes a dent in how I feel. So thorough is the warping of reality that even the true memory of anything different becomes lost. I can refer to my 2021 calendar upon which I’ve been logging bad days, and it is made up of at least 80% “sunny” days. But they are somehow no longer to be believed.  As I sit here writing in my “right” mind, that version of me - the one I become in the darkness - almost seems an entirely different person - an enemy, in a way, who is out to destroy me. I suppose this is one of the most insidious things about depression - that you actually become your own worst enemy. No one else is needed to oppo...

The first week, I considered quitting.  Each night around 1 or 2am, my eyes would burst open - no hope of getting back to sleep for a couple hours. Then, during the day, I could FEEL my brain trying to put me to sleep. It was beyond tiredness – more akin to halfway-around-the-earth jetlag. I took a long walk on the Monon one day and simply laid down on a bench to try and nap, twice. To be fair, the doc had told me the body can take a week to adjust - I just didn't know it would be like this.  Thankfully around the time I called the doctor's office to see about adjusting my dosage, things seemed to level out, and I've been back to my normal rhythms.  As far as the depression, are the pills making any difference? I've certainly had some moments where I felt I could have been triggered into my downward state - the usual suspects of circumstance/interaction/thought pattern which would typically take me there. I seemed to stop short though - like someone was trying to push m...